This Is It

Life is a journey. One not to be taken lightly. There are ups and downs, heartaches and just all out disasters. Everyone experiences these in life. There is no way around them. What separates those who excel and those who falter is the way they handle these situations. One can either learn from their mistakes or can use it as an opportunity for growth. This is a story about how two people became entwined in all out chaos leading to a lingering limbo.

Recently, my new partner and I created chaos in other’s lives. From our perspective, we are not the bad guys, we are simply escaping. However, when perspectives are reversed, it is easy to see that we are the absolute worst guys. We both made commitments to other people, for life, and threw it all away for each other. We are the people in the movies that you root against. We are the unfaithful spouses; we are the fucking evil ones. All the people who were connected to us through them now absolutely despise us. I don’t blame them. How could you not look at me or her and see the pain we have caused them. We appear so damn happy and seem to not care what we have created. That’s simply not true.

And now, I stop speaking for her. She has her own thoughts, and she will tell them if she wishes. For me, this transition has been difficult. I feel guilt and shame for what I have put her through. She came home one night, and her entire life had changed. She lost what she thought she would have forever. If you think I wouldn’t feel that, then you never fucking knew me. I wish it never had to be this way, but if you knew what I knew and what I have done, then you would understand. But, I won’t make myself vulnerable enough for anybody to know that. Just know that what happened wasn’t easy, I didn’t even know it would happen. It just did, and I followed what I thought was right. I actually thought for myself for the first time in a long time. Anyways, just wanted to clear that up. Read my previous post for that information. This is about positivity and growth.

I am now the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. That is not because I left a horrible person for a great one. No. That is so far from the truth. I have someone who gets me now. Someone who is into the things that I am. Someone who has a personality very similar to mine and that’s what I needed. I hate so much that this is how it had to be, but I know, soon I won’t feel so damn bad about it. She is growing on her own so much and it makes me proud that she didn’t just lay down and take it. But, I am happy with my choice and where I ended up. Times are hard though because I did just lose half of my income. I am struggling to pay my rent and other bills, but the struggle is making me stronger.

I am doing things I have never done before. If the rent is not paid, it’s on me now, no one else. I have never felt so responsible for myself. I have me a little calendar with all my important information on it and it makes me proud that I am doing such a great job completing all my tasks. I am eating a lot better because I have to make all my food count. We both like being active and that is helping me be a better person as well. We both believe in a kind of nature spirituality where meditation and green living is important. That really helps my mental state. Music is our therapy and we both understand this. I have been to more shows than I have in my entire life with her. We went to Niagara Falls because we were talking about it and I just said, fuck it, let’s go. We went to Chicago to see one of my favorite artists because she wasn’t coming to Indy.

Anyone can travel together. But, she appreciates it. I went all out on our hotels for both locations and she showed me how much it meant to her. There are so many firsts that I can say that only me and her could have accomplished. In Chicago, I rode a bus, a subway, and the L train for the first time, while also seeing Shit Fountain. I love surprising her because she always reacts how one should when someone does something special for another person. She repaid my trips with a trip to reconnect in Gatlinburg.

That trip was amazing. The cabin had a hot tub and we used it a lot. We hiked and biked. I watched her put gas in her car with her touristy hat on and I told her she looked like the person I imagined my wife to be. Kids in the back of the SUV. She talks to me, she’s honest, always. Today she told me my hair looked stupid. I need that.

This isn’t taking away from what I previously had. She was a wonderful person, but something just happened that made us lose that connection. I was honestly, a fucking asshole to her and she deserves so much better. This isn’t about, look what she does for me, ha, you never did, no. This is simply an explanation of why I feel what I did was right, no matter what anyone else feels. I lost a whole family and many friends in the process. There are a lot of people that hate me right now, but, I am fine.

Starting a new relationship is difficult. Now, add both parties being married to other people, both in difficult graduate programs, and both very passionate people. This is tough. It is trying. We have already had multiple fights. Intense fucking fights. But, when we make up, we both come out understanding what we each did wrong. We talk it out, eventually. If I didn’t think she was perfect for me, then I wouldn’t have jumped for her. You see, what had happened was she thought she was caught. She said, I have to go home. I knew that meant we would be over. I told her. No. Let’s go. I can’t lose you.

So here we are. Both still married to other people. I can’t bring her around my family without feeling weird. I can’t talk about her without explaining what happened. I get it’s hard to feel bad for me when I did the shit I did. One day, you will understand. One day, you might have to make an impossible choice. One day, you will make a choice so right that you will fuck up every thing and never regret it. I don’t.

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